Newspaper

As usual, i bought some newspaper. But today, i leave it beside me and stare at the newspaper for some time before i open it. Somehow, i feel hopeless already in finding job. I was thinking that what's the point of open the newspaper ? everytime i open it the result will be the same. Haiz....

Routine Task

It's been almost a month that everyday i doing the same thing. Wake up, open my computer, finding job, and searching news paper. Honestly, i am start to giving up in my stupid life already. I am graduate, yet still using family's money and girlfriend's money. What the FUCK are all these about??? 


It's always my dream to go into an event management company to get some experience. Today, baby when you tell me that your company want to hire people, i am glad to hear that and even have the intention to apply that. But, it's not a good thing for us. Again, hopeless.. *sigh*...


When only i will get a job ? Somebody please tell me .... T_T

I Hate Myself~~

Counting this counting that;
Predict this predict that;
Planning this planning that;
But so ? i can't even predict the time when you need me the most, i can't even make you happy. Can't even by your side when you need me the most and i need you the most...Can't even hug you thigh when i wanted to do so.


I made a big mistake,seriously a big mistake.....Acting like i am good enough in planning, in fact, an idiot who is pretending to be great...

Speech From The Heart

The following  contents are what i want to say it out, without filtering....


Thought, after 1 year, everything will be fine and smooth between us. Yet, i have change, i care too much, and eventually it become controlling. Couple days ago, i talk about break up with you, thinking of you deserve better partner who can 100% accept what you do. It's hard for me to say it out because i love you too much. Sorry for being selfish. As i told baby, i will never say it again.....


But, things haven't back to normal yet. It's just a feel anyhow, maybe the way you sms, the way you communicate with me...Hmm... I just wish we can back to normal ASAP.


About my job, I got nothing to say because i made this decision myself. I just wish everything will stick to the plan, which is we will go to Singapore work together. What i can promise baby is, I won't leave you because of friends, they will just help me pass through the boring and lonely days. I will not leave you because of other girls, because you know my heart already owned by you, day and night is all about you, and i don't even putting myself close to girls. In conclusion, there is no reason for me to leave you my baby.


Baby, today i only i realize what is the different between Engage, Register, and Married. Hehe....... Guess you know what i am thinking d yea..:P .......One day.....On the beach....I will hold your hand and put a ring on your finger...  Just wait for that day....just wait... and make sure baby hold my hand tight...and never said the WORD again like friday night....Muack...love you

泪

自从放下上一次的那段感情后，我自认对这次的感情拥有100%的把握。导致我不顾一切的放下我所有的心思和希望在这一段感情上。后来知道感情并不是一个人的努力而已，而是需要双方对彼此的牺牲，一起努力创造未来的家庭。

可是，一切已经太迟了。当我从你口中的话了解到你是不会为我而牺牲，为我而留下的时候，我的心，彻底的心碎了。原本以为你会从我的行动看到我的真心而为我留下，结果还是一样。难以接受的是，我好像对你已经不再重要了。你毕业后的日子，真的已经放弃和我一起生活吗？我真得很想知道。

晚餐后，独自对着电脑看戏，就那么突然的，眼泪不停的从我眼睛流出，哭了两个小时，就是停不了。很多年了我都没有哭成这样狼狈。我要怎么告诉你，这几天我忍得好辛苦，真得很辛苦，一直找朋友帮我打发时间。可是，到最后还是忍不住崩溃了。身边一个能诉苦的朋友都没有，唯有联络一个旧朋友。怎知，我哭得更离谱。我想，自从我爸爸去世后，这是我第二次哭得那么的狼狈。

今天的你，已经不是以往的你了。你渐渐的为自己理想的生活作出打算，也渐渐的把我们的日子放在一旁。如果这样真的能让你开心，那也算是一件好事。自少，你不再需要我了。


尽管如此，我对你的心，还是一样，从来没改变，自怪我爱你太深，亲爱的，我永远都爱着你。Muack!!^^♥♥♥

Keep it On... I can Make it!!!

Never expect that baby will suffer so much because of me...I couldn't deny that i am too selfish. Thanks baby for letting me know my problem in such a way, so i will only seriously realize my mistake. The day after baby telling me this, i feel like we are stranger...no longer a sweet sweet couple. Then baby said it is just because of your job, you stress and being a bad temper.. Thanks again baby, you calm me down..Or else i will thought that baby no longer love me.

You are right baby, i am forcing myself to change in one night. eventually i end up with making myself horrible, stress, and even making our relationship worst. In this case, i won't say that i am loving you too deep, in another words, i will say that i am ruining our relationship...Sorry, deeply sorry from my heart....


Thank you again baby, giving me an opportunity to change in the 1st step. Baby 2day tell me that she is going out with friends for movie & yumcha session. I thought i will emo again. But not this time. I PROMISE i will let it go...slowly slowly....at least i make a successful 1st step right? hehe.... Although i still asking baby who you are going out with..sorry yea...hope baby won't mad with me...


Baby , slowly find your true friends....It might be time consuming, but eventually you will get a bunch of nice friends. Don't worry about it baby... Be patient ... chak~~ Love you my wifey..muack...miss u alot alot...

What's in my mind in all these time....

After a few weeks i didn't update my blog, i was thinking what should i write now. No doubt, it's all about my baby Calyn Tan. In my mind, no matter how busy am i, i am thinking of my baby every single minute. I seriously fall in love so deep and can't pull myself away from you. Although it's just almost a year we been together, but one thing i can make sure is>> You are my EVERYTHING. 


Before you, i am playful; before you, my heart can fill in more than a girl; before you, i will search for another girl when my girl is not around. Now, with you in my heart, i am not playful anymore; there is never be another girl in my heart except you; and i don't even think of getting another girl to replace you when you are not around. Very sorry baby if you see this blog, but what i want to say is, i am 101% serious in our relationship, our future. Baby, here i can give you a guarantee that you are the girl i wanted to be my wife. You are my last girlfriend in my life. 


I am sorry to you baby, giving you a feeling that i don't trust you. Because of your social network, i don't trust people around you. Baby please don't angry . I really can't afford to lost you. 


Baby, i know you don't stop me from going out with girls, i understand that. Is just i don't want to go out with girls, not your problem. Is just my pass experience told me that i shouldn't do that. You remember that you told me not to close with JENNY WONG ? You said that she got the ability to take people's boyfriend away ? This is one of the reason i don't want to go out with girls. Even i go out with girls, will be the one baby know, like Belle Belle... So, baby , basically this is the reason . I don't want let people got the opportunity to create trouble between us. 


Baby, i know i am over react when you working. But please allow me to say it again, drink more water, and please don't skip meal. Please take your meal especially when you working, even though you are not hungry. Just few more month i will have to chance to take care of baby again. I am waiting for that day, to take care of my wifey... Take care baby... i Miss you very much..very much.

What i want now ???

What i want now ? I really can't figure it out....

     I want a car? Yes, because i need it. I need it to make myself easier...To travel and meet my love, to travel to do my job. Today you ask me to find the college available in Taiping, what i can say is, you are brilliant , and u expect me to travel in formal wear, with motorbike ? Try to put yourself in my situation...you will do it ? you will happy and satisfy with your job ?


     I need a job? Yes, because i want to close to baby, so i can find her whenever i want especially i am down...just like today...But , it seem like baby is not free for my stupid emo stuff ??? I can feel that she don't know what to do in my case. It's ok..forget about it. Tomorrow onwards, i will keep in my own, until i can't stand for it...


     What i need now is the feel....the caring and loving feel....do i deserved it ? 

Singapore ? Can I ?

     Few days ago, baby called and tell me that she want to go Singapore after graduate. I was like " Huh? thought that you won't go to Singapore d , and thought that you don't want to talk about this ?"  Hmm....Nevermind. I know that you never give up your mind to go Singapore. Me either, but i have to give up to Singapore to maintain everything, my mom, my brother and sister, and my relationship as well. 


     Baby ask me to go Singapore with her, i know she wish i can go. But, i am sorry, with your result, you can go anywhere you want; With my result, i got no choice and have to stay at Malaysia. Unless i have luck on that time, or else go to Singapore is definitely Mission Impossible for me. 


     Well....I try to be kind that time, tell her that just go to anyplace she want, go..just go....I force myself to say so, under a few condition

*I got no right to stop her.

*She deserve better. 

*Even i can stop her action, but i can't stop her will. 

     So, Bless me that i can keep on remind myself that if she is belongs with me, then eventually she will come back to me. And bless me that i can continue persuade myself to support whatever she want to do, not restrict her. Baby, you are free to go anywhere......anywhere....Just please please please please remember me. Can you ?

Don't Be Too Happy Until it is Confirmed

     Indeed, i already got my first job before i graduate. There is a few so called "Promises" which gain my interest on this job. Thus, i reject an interview opportunity from Recruit Express. However, things doesn't smooth as what i've been told. 

     First, he told me that he will buy 2 cars among these four, Rexton/Harrier/BMW/Wish. He told me that he will give me one of these as a temporary transportation. Eventually, what i get is just a SLK ! (Small Little Kancil). Ahhhaa...with an assumption that you still give me a car....
     
    Second, He promised me that the salary will be quite good. Yea, Right, quite good as in RM1500 per month ? Aren't it should me at least RM2000 ??? Fuck!!! Another disappointment! 


     Third, " Our job is very enjoy one"..... Really? I don't think so....At last what i get is " In this three month, you will be very busy, maybe don't even have the time to company girlfriend". I hope that the last word is just a kidding. It's ok, you didn't say that i don't have the time to go back hometown...So, i still can arrange my time to meet my girlfriend. 


     I wonder, if you never give me those promises, i think i will work with you happily. As in the market, the salary for fresh graduate with transport provided is reasonable in RM1500..Now, because of your empty promises, i will NEVER trust your words !!!

The Day after 9th May 2011

     In 9th of May, 2011, i finish my last paper, Service Management. On the same time, it end my Uni Life in UTAR. Well, i am graduate if i successfully pass my exam...


     10th of May is the day i took another informal exam > meeting up with Baby Calyn Tan's parent....It is another tough exam....My body was shaking for the whole night, keep worrying wonder i will be accepted or not.... But, seems like baby give me a positive result about that. So, now i can concentrate on my career yet will not neglect baby, family, and friends as well..... 


     Between "religion" and " regional"....it's a huge difference in the meaning....i am fucked up with the difference due to my nervous that day when i am questioned by her father in :

 " What is your parent's religion"....

     Damn... i answer it with: 

" My mother come from Taiping, and my father come from Penang"....

     LMFAO...haha.!!!!

     We went for dinner that night, one thing for sure, it's too obvious that my hand is shaking then i taking the soup, luckily they didn't saw it....XD ....

     Baby, it's a good beginning on our future since i am accepted d...i can keep in touch with you more often that we used to be.... No worry baby, as i promised b4...i will put it into action.... wait for my effort baby...Love u ♥

Mid-Term? or Final ?

It's 4.56am in the morning, yet, i am still fighting for my midterm test. This is my last semester i will be at UTAR, if  i able to pass all my subject. I am having my midterm test at 7pm later. Since the beginning of this semester, every midterm test makes me feel more like a final test. Is this my problem ? or anyone has the same feeling as well ??? Damn it...i am so fuckin tired..i want to sleep..but..my mind, my brain....is all about exam ...and something else...=( 

The Power of a LIGHTER

I have never thought that a lighter will bring such a big influence in my days.... 

   13 February 2011, just a day before the Valentine, i had my first favorite lighter in my life. It was a gift from someone so special in my life. However, a true value of the lighter wasn't the lighter itself..... i will never forget the engraving on the lighter...." Be My Valentine Forever".....

   2 weeks right after...it running out of fluid. Since it running out of fluid, i left it on my shelve and wait for the coming Wednesday to get a refill at the night market. 

   A nightmare started since that day... I couldn't found my lighter anywhere... It vanish just like that...At first, i blame myself for being careless and drop it somewhere...But.. it doesn't make sense after i think twice.. How could i bring a lighter out since it was running out of fliud???? A conclusion is , STOLEN by a low life animal.

   Everytime i go back to Havard 2221, it remind me about the lighter...Everytime i go back to 2221, i can't move my eyesight away from my shelve....I am so want to kill and tear the person into pieces and die without a full body....But so what?? i still can't get back my lighter and don't even know who is the low life animal...

   Baby, i am so sorry... I doesn't meant to lost the most valuable gift u gave me...* Tears dropping down* 

It's Not A Test, It's A Punishment

I AM GOING CRAZY

Time after time, i thought i can handle a distance relationship, yet, a short period of one week also i fail to overcome it.....
*Time after time, i started to hate this....very very hate.....
~I want to talk, but nobody for me to talk, i mean....no body suitable for me to talk;
~I want to hear your voice, seems very hard ;
~I want to call and sms , hard to do so as well;
~I wish to talk to you once i feel to , but...i can't ...:(

*You said before, distance is a test. And..it's Not At All... It's a punishment.
~God , Build a signal tower behind her house and allow us contact anytime ;
~God , Please don't be so cruel ;
~God , I am just like a simple human being which need the warm ;
~God , Take away this punishment and let us be a Normal Couple ;

Relize that in love is a good thing, but if can't control yourself, it will be a bad thing.
Chinese New Year is just around the conner, everyone is asking me
"Where are your girlfriend?"
Honestly, i don't like it..at all....Can you guys just shut your mouth ??
It's ok, our relationship will be able to reach your parents and will have their confirmation soon, right ? Perhaps this kind of thinking will turn a bad thing to a good thing :)

There is a Evil Soul inside me...
Which lead me to negative path when i am in trouble ;
Which keep persuade me that temper is good when i am in trouble;
Which keep persuade me to think more negative stuff when i am in trouble ;
God , please chase this evil soul away ^_^

*There is a Holly Soul inside me as well...
~Which give me a warm hug when i come back home ;
~Which give me a sweet kiss and make me feel happy ;
~Which tell me temper is not good for myself ;
~Which is wearing a same ring with me ;
So God, keep her with me ♥

Hmm....Feeling so nice after vent out here.. :P
Time to continue my day:)

ChildHood Reunion

The story start 13 years ago.~~~

My family had been neighbor with your family since i am in age 5. I was a naughty stupid idiot kid that time. Remember after watching some rascal movie, i act like rascal and bully you at kinder garden school. Surprisingly you are much bigger size than me but u cried.

Another incident i remember is i fabricate an accusation on you and causing u punished by your mom. It still fresh in my mind the sound of the wire hit on you.

When i was 8, you already 9 . Your father pass away in an accident. Your mom was so sad and your family need to move to KL . I won't forget the very first time your father brought me to KFC and i had my first hamburger and chicken there. Start from that day, mayonnaise never appear in my list of favorite.

At the same year 1997 , couple month right after your father pass away, another sad case in our neighborhood, my father passed away.

After a long long 13 years since 1997, finally we met each other. Untie Silva, indeed your face changed a lot. It totally different with my memory on you. But, the smile on you still the same. Shanni, you are the only one who gave me a big shock. Damn, you turn into a giant dinosaur. I can't imagine what the hell are you eating in this 13 years. Kishen, when u leave 13 years ago, you just a small 4 month baby. My impression on you when i met you, kinda bad... you looks like one of those kid who doesn't know how to appreciate your life; doesn't understand how your family struggling in these days to keep you alive.

Hamen, my first best friend ever in my life, we both share the same story, we both experience the same shits for our family, but , deep inside our heart, we know that we must stay strong for our family, we are elder. Thanks for your advice in my future and my relationship. I will consider about it. No doubt, you gave such an advice because you fall into that kind of relationship. But, please don't give up, a better girl will appear in your life, just the time is not right yet.

Thanks for the ride and showing me the night of KL. As your mom said, next time i will inform your guys earlier, so all of us can have a trip.